Safe Haven

2008-12-18T23:46:00.002+08:00

你不是真正的快樂 You’re Not Truly Happy

人群中哭著　妳只想變成透明的顏色
妳再也不會夢或痛或心痛了　
妳已經決定了　妳已經決定了

你靜靜忍著　緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶愈是甜就是愈傷人　
愈是在手心留下密密麻麻深深淺淺的刀割

你不是真正的快樂　你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了　也決定不愛了　
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這世界笑了　於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則不是妳的選擇　
於是妳含著眼淚飄飄盪蕩跌跌撞撞的走著

你不是真正的快樂　你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了　也決定不愛了　
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂　你的傷口不肯完全的癒合
我站在妳左側卻像隔著銀河　
難道緊緊的抱著遺憾一直到老了　然後再後悔著

妳值得真正的快樂　妳應該脫下妳穿的保護色
為什麼失去了　還要被懲罰呢　
能不能就讓悲傷全部結束在此刻　重新開始活著

Amazingly, I feel so much for this song. I had given up on Mandarin Songs at a point of time because they were so meaningless. Mayday never fails to deliver. This totally depicts my feelings. If someone were to sing this to me I think I will ask her to marry me. But only if she means it.

Been feeling like crap recently. If things don't happen to work out, I think I will just go back to being a single man. Sometimes life is such, You want the truth because it is honesty you want, but you want lies because the truth hurts. Yes I think I got that right. TRUTH HURTS. Always listen to lies, they are the best way out. With that I sign out, no regrets ever again in my life.

Moonlight Resonance

2008-11-30T17:28:00.002+08:00

In my last 3-4 days not at work, I have been following this TVB drama serial, Moonlight Resonance. Everything was good up till the final episode, where I felt everything ended too abruptly. Many things were all rushed through during the final episode. As per the chinese title, everyone ended up happily ever after. But to me, I felt an emptiness in me. I felt like I have lost something to do for the next few months. There are many things that I have learnt and will apply to my everyday life.

1) Never be a JOE .

If you are never going to be serious in a relationship, you had best stop being in one because you will end up hurting whoever follows you. So what if someone else
is prettier, lusty and seductive? Years down the road, she'll be wrinkled and
you will see her true colours, how she has treated you and how stupid you have been.
One mistake would lead to unhappiness forever, especially to your descendents.
I take akin to this because I have a father exactly like that and we are suffering because of his selfishness. DO NOT PUT YOUR NEXT GENERATION INTO SUCH MISERY. If you decide to settle down, better be good to your wife/husband. Whatever you do, Heaven is watching. Retribution will come about.

2) Never be a Princess Athena

If you ever love someone, PLEASE love the person wholeheartedly because, everytime you make a mistake, you say you're sorry, it doesn't help. The pain the person has gone through is already set in. Don't be a wishy-washy type and make every one unhappy. Once you love someone, stop thinking about someone else.

3) Never be Salina/Hong/Camie

When it comes to lying, regardless of what circumstance you have to lie, DON'T! Lying is as good as stealing, robbing, killing. There are people out there who lie, but don't join them, because lying only makes your life more miserable. 10 lies to cover up 1 lie, 100 lies will be needed to cover 10 lies. It's a vicious, neverending cycle.

4) Never be Yuan

Never let someone hold your secret as hostage. Be brave and admit your mistakes. If you fall down, there will be a whole bunch of people who knows you who will pick you up.

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4) Be a Yue/Qing/Jia

Believe, and what you believe will come true. Sometimes things do not seem as bad as they are. After a while you will realise with the right attitude, everything will come true. And you will never have to suffer again. Never lose faith.

I guess in this lifetime, there are more things you should NOT do rather than the things you should do. If ever one day I am in distress I will turn to this page and remember all the lessons I have learnt from the show itself. It was a meaningful 40 episodes of Moonlight Resonance. I am happy to have seen it.

2008-06-19T16:15:00.002+08:00

I am Lonely but it's ok
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What lonely days, As per my last post. Only when the sun sets, and when the sun rises, do I get to speak to her. Whenever I look for her, she's probably too tired, too busy, too busy with her friends, and everybody else. WEll it is how life should be. Maybe that is what being independent is. I guess I have been too overly dependent on her existence. Tomorrow I will head out into the night life after work. Got to learn to be independent of anyone else. Maybe love is like keeping a kitten. The more you want the kitten to come to you, the more it runs away. Kittens, like to be touched and teased by everyone, but once it is lonely. It will run back to the one it loves. Whether this is true or not, We shall see. I'm tired. Been sick for 2 days, but to avoid her knowing, I kept quiet. Sitting alone in the cold, talking to no one. It makes me more lonely, more devoid of life. I really hope one day, things get better. Well I'll just start with plan 1. Friday night.

2008-06-09T21:43:00.002+08:00

Nowhere to turn to, everyday I've been so lonely. You as it deem, is most important to me. I don't know where to vent my frustrations.

Nice timing too, in 2hours, 200days would have passed. Who would have thought, time to pass so fast.

Sometimes I feel like an alarm clock. You stay awake or wake up early, just to wake her up. Then again, you should be called Calming Soul. You stay up late, just to make sure she goes to sleep well. And then you maybe can be called Soul-less Wall. Between Alarm Clock and Calming Soul, you get nothing at all. Sure you get that 1-2 smses here and there. Apart from that, you really have no direction anymore. Nothing at all.

Heartache? You should be Michael. No wait, wake up. Stop being so dreamy. Why hurt yourself so much? Are you not trying enough? Not giving enough? What is the missing ingredient? Or is she the one not willing to try? This you will never know.

Or do what you are doing now, suck it all up. Suck it up till you self-destruct. You know yourself it's coming soon. And I know you can't take it anymore. With what has happened in you family, your work and now what you value most in life - your love-life, the end is near.

"Try or die trying"

Personally, I think I would try dying.

Hopeless,
Mike

God Save Me

2008-06-08T17:23:00.002+08:00

For a long time, I have wondered. Michael, what have you accomplished this lifetime?

Gave up your studies, Picked up some bad habits. Nothing fantastic. In fact you're less than average. Why would anyone dare to stake their future in your hands?

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

I have hoped, and prayed. Hoping for a change in the one I love. We end up hurting each other, making life miserable for one another. My love has overwritten whatever hurt she has done to me, maybe because I have nothing to offer and my love is the only thing that keeps me going. I've been feeling so lost.

Stepping into the church today made me say sorry to her. Because of my own unhappiness, I have brought to her untold miseries. She has a happy life now, why should she be bothered?

Will there ever be space in her heart again for me? "I still love you baby" she tells me, her actions saying otherwise. I remember when we were both busy, and whenever we got time, it's the other party we're looking for. The happy times I have when I was busy with everything and every trouble I had at work, and her comforting smses always made me smile and move on with life.

Now nothing could be the same again. I think. Or at least how I feel at this point of time.

I love you Jasmine, if you ever are ready. I'm a call away, begging on both knees for you to return. I love you, can't help if tears start welling up in my eyes.

My family, is in shambles. I don't wish for my own to be this way. IF I am deemed unable by you, I shall not ruin your life. You just gotta say it. Fly all you want my love, because you'll always be my baby. Even though you might not feel it, or read this...

Mike

The end or the beginning? 2

2008-06-07T23:00:00.002+08:00

Like the ocean and the waves, I feel like I'm losing faith, losing heart. Heart turning into stone. No motive no goal, no desire for anything anymore. Life is so empty, so so empty. We are drifting, no long do you require me as you have in the past. Is this what growing up mean? My love is so strong, it has weakened me physically. I am tired. I love her so much. And I don't know if she feels so too. But I don't know... I ever said. it will be the last time I commit to any relationship. I shall honor my word. I love you baby princess jasmine.

I'm Lost

2008-05-22T14:54:00.001+08:00

I'm lost, really lost. And I don't know how to explain it. 10Jun08. 100days of revenge. I'm lost. Somebody save me.

A letter to Michael

2008-04-22T02:32:00.003+08:00

Recently I got this msg from a very close person to me. Just like to share it.

Dear Michael Liao,

From the time you were with Danielle, and got cheated on, you decided from then on you would never allow your gf to interact too much with other people, even if it's their friends. Then came Michelle, and you decided. Never will you allow women to mix with men too much, or to spend too much of your money. When it came down to Jasmine, instead of doing what you preach, you allowed both to happen. You let her mix with all her friends, ex bfs or whatever and you spent every cent you have on her.

Then came the biggest problem with you, you decided to stop everything from happening, and to express your love for Jasmine, you bought a diamond ring for her hoping to interest her. And of cos hoping to gain security from what seem like a tough situation to handle. It backfired, she gave you the answer, I'm not ready to settle down - which sounds not too bad. I wanna play around - this tore my heart, made me so destroyed. Then came the fated slap to a guy so insecured by words used by someone he loves so much. The eruption continued, and you declares 02mar08 100 days of punishment to his most beloved. Everyone thinks you have gotten over the hurt, you looked like you mellowed down, hair down because of work. But I know your hair is down because you are down. And now you have the exact same hair as when you were down. 03Mar08, you ended your promised 'punishment' and contacted Jasmine again. You thought you were going to be happy for the rest of your life when she said she want to get back. You thought you had managed to make your relationship life the best going into this. But you were wrong. Now things have backfired again, things are, quite possibly, not even going to be close to what was in the past.

The gamble you took was right. A piece of cake on the table waiting to be eaten, and A bunch of pretty grapes on the tree. You could have taken the cake and ate it. But you chose to wait for the pretty grapes, end the cake's wait and now the cake is gone, some other taker took it. Bless the cake. Now your grapes seem even further away due to the tree growing taller. 100days of absence have made the gap grow further. Whether you get the grapes or not, it might not be the same to force. Don't let go Michael Liao, if it's meant to be, IF TIME REALLY CAN HEAL WOUNDS, you will be a happy man.

With time, things will be better. "I need somemore time". Time = gap. You drift further apart. But Michael, remember 02May08. On this day, do what you want to do. Lock you heart, pray for the grapes happiness, even if it's in other people's hands. For love is a magical thing, it gives to you all the motivation in life you require, you being such an emotional man. But it will destroy you as well if you can't control you life. Once you lock your heart, don't cry like you have done tonight. Be strong and excel in your career. From then on, grow up. Life is full of ups and downs, you will never lose everytime. But if you are honest and knows how to handle your emotions, you will be the best in what you do. I wish you the best Michael Liao.

Best Regards,
Liao Lixuan.

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LOVE TAKES TIME (Mariah Carey)

I had it all
But I let it slip away
Couldn’t see that I treated you wrong
Now I wander around
Feeling down and cold
Trying to believe that you’re gone

Chorus:
Love takes time
To heal when you’re hurting so much
Couldn’t see that I was blind
To let you go
I can’t escape the pain
Inside
Love takes time
I don’t want to be here alone

Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I’m so incomplete
Lord I’m needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly

Chorus

You might say that it’s over
You might say that you don’t care
You might say you don’t miss me
You don’t need me
But I know that you do and I feel that you do
Inside

Chorus

What's not meant to be

2008-03-17T01:08:00.002+08:00

It has been a tiresome few months. I left 325 because of a childish and unthoughtful girlfriend. I thought by leaving her she would change and become better. Now I will never know. Today at 0005, I got news of her having a new boyfriend. My heart sank. It should have been nothing wrong, but my heart still goes out to her. Maybe like what some people said, it's time for me to move on. Moving on is not easy as some people make it seem. Well since it's the end better let it be. Keeping our photo in my wallet was not something I should have done. Maybe in future I will try to be smarter, not be so into love. Because love is something that does not exist. Anyhow, It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all... With that it ends the existence of this blog, and forever it shall never come to life again. Life is such, you win some, you lose some. To friends who's been around, thank you all. If there's anything you guys want from me, xuanmao@gmail.com is always open. or call me 96572857. That is if my number don't change. With that this is the end thank you all. This blog ends here.

03 March 2008

2008-03-03T16:04:00.002+08:00

One day after our promised 3mths. I thought my heart died when I decided to leave you. I thought by being away from you I would be better off. I would make you grow up. I don't know what has happened to you, You're in this CSU thing. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I keep thinking of you. I thought I should stop seeing you. I was wrong.I was wrong. I miss you like crazy. I want to love again. I tried to love someone else to forget you . I couldn't. You keep coming to my mind. I just can't forget you. I just can't get you out of my mind. You are my life . I can't share my love with anyone else. But I got to push on. I really want to be a better man before I ever see you. I want to be able to give you what you want. Not what you have to get from others.Therefore I will have to keep away from you for a while. I miss you so much, but I shall never let you find me, until then. I wish you well... I do love you still... I really do...

Bad Dreams

2007-10-09T07:40:00.000+08:00

It's been a while, I needed the time and the energy to write. I've been so tired lately, working like a fool just to earn the extra cash for a better future, only to squander it all away haha. Things are so different now from the past. Dreams seem to be forever lasting. Ever since I started working without rest, I've been fearing I'll be spending less time with her. And then the stupid dreams crept up on me, just because I couldn't sleep after she left for work. Even in the short space of 1-2hrs, dreamworld seem like an eternity. I was left beaten after even dream. The more I couldn't get to sleep everyday. I guess the scale is pretty simple:- The more you love someone, the more you're afraid to lose the person, inevitably causing you to worry about things too much, making your relationship very rocky and unstable. That's what I'm facing now. Sometimes it's easy to say, "Hey I'm not jealous about other people being interested in you". I can tell people, they are just friends. But when it comes to me being in the picture, I cannot seem to execute it.

Easier said than done - that is what I'm trying to say.

This is indeed a testing period, in all relationships. IF the guy is not already stable in his career, he would not have time for anything else. In so, he is going to be one jealous bitch. Michael Liao, you better shape up, or end up being shipped out.

Loving you,
Mike

2007-09-02T05:19:00.000+08:00

I couldn't stop crying, even after she left. Yes I am one weak man. I was once told very long ago, I was destined to carry out big tasks in my life. The only problem - I must not let women get in my way. From young I've always known I can do a lot of things, more efficient and more effective than most people can. But when it comes to women, I totally fall behind. Even now I am tearing, I just can't believe myself. I've never cried so much in my whole life. It kills me inside to know there is a grudge against me by the most beloved of my life. Perhaps I should seek some help in this matter.

I logged on to my MSN and waited, almost 30mins passed. I gave up. I looked at my contacts. More than half of them already changed email address, with new MSN. When was the last time I logged into MSN? I don't remember. Maybe I should start being more proactive and not be left behind in the social circle. I live solely for us, and inevitably I have you as my friend, only you left. "What happened to your cx friends?" You always ask me. When I got kicked out of CX I cried buckets, not because I love the uniform, not because of anything else. But because I have lost my last batch of friends. I hate SATS so much because of this. These were the first batch of people I have met in my life ever since I finally struggled free from my past demons. To have lost them now left me wide open and vulnerable, no one to turn to. Not that anyone understands. When she mentioned she is my best friend, I must have heaped too much responsibility onto her. Because with it comes every concern I had. I had no one to turn to, and when she said she was my best friend, I turn to her. No one really talks to me, or listens to me complain. I am all bottled up. I tried to talk to Uncle Lek, already on the verge of crying at work. He told me, "nvm, just go home give her a kiss, give her a hug then ok loh"

I did, I kissed but I dared not hug for fear I would wake her. Twice I tried but I did not wanna wake her. Slept on the floor with only the pillow so the rustling sound does not wake her. I should never have friends I reckon, I just drive them all away now. I never was like this but has the past finally caught up with me? Am I not to be the same Michael Liao I myself knew long ago? I'm afraid I'll never be able to find myself again. I'll just be the plain new Michael Liao. Perhaps this 18th century man has to evolve to keep up with his 21st century gf. Being outdated would eventually result in elimination. I will have to come to the 21st century, to come out of my conservatory state and start thinking like a brand new person. Easier said than done? hahaha right.

I better go lie in bed and hope my tears stop flowing. For someone to have no friends is one thing. For me to live normally with my loved one mad at me, I just can't stop crying. Lying in bed so I can feel her warmth from this cold cruel lonely world. I'm such a bitch.

Hilariously Lonely

Way Back Into Love

2007-09-01T11:20:00.000+08:00

Complimentaries of a particular website Metrolyrics

Magical in my opinion, cliche plot to many. What's your take?

Would you think this is magical? Or just rubbish? It's your take. Grossed 19m in it's first week of box office. Not too shabby if you ask me

Why the need for titles?

2007-08-31T14:50:00.000+08:00

In the past one month, many things have happened. From me worrying I would lose her everyday, to me applying for cabin crew. Actually I wouldn't be so worried because I know my gf won't be so easily tackled by others. But maybe then I was quite unhappy because she seemed to like to know guys a lot. And I do mean a LOT. OF cos I got unhappy when I realise she was even more to keeping in close contact with these so called men. Any guy who knows their gf is around guys who actually like them will definitely be angry. I may be someone with a big heart but ultimately, due to my inexperience in love, I do lose my temper too. That resulted in us having quite a tough time for a couple of weeks.. But slowly I started letting my mind take the lead rather than my heart.. When you think with your heart, everything turns out negative. But when you think with your brains you actually know that things are actually not so bad afterall. In fact when I first started using my brains again after so long, I realised that I haven't been following what I preached. Then comes the most important line.

"Women enjoy the thrills of being courted, especially by more than one man"

I can understand how she feels, especially when this big buffalo in love with her never did court her.. But hey like I said once I started using my brains my body language and everything towards her changed. I was no longer the pessimistic man who was so afraid of losing her, but instead I was the strong man who was confident that she would never leave me. It was a blessing in disguise, God is wonderful for giving me such an analytical mind. Someone ever told me, the more you dwell on an issue, the more you will feel pain and insecurity. Nowdays, I just forget all those nonsense I have been thinking and just lead life normally with her. And To tell you the truth, we are happy, very happy :) I love the way we talk and play with each other, how we would keep giving in to each other for some reason. Love is about giving and taking, but of cos it cannot always be just giving, you must take some as well. And how much taken is correct depends on individual. I'm someone who loves to give, just take a little and I'll be satisfied. The simple man. Hope the Lord bless us through thick and thin. I love this woman-to-be.

Cabin Crew application? Nothing to talk about it haha.. Total failure I tell you.. Till next time, Stay focused and alert and be flexible to changes.

Man-in-love,
Mike

I am such an ass

2007-08-19T13:57:00.000+08:00

As per the above topic.

It has been a long route to discovering the evilness of Men. Men have been for generations too greedy for their own good. Some have diamonds but hunger for other peoples' diamonds. perhaps their own diamond has grown dull and old and they are searching for new bigger, brighter ones. For me I love my diamond. My diamond is shiny and gorgeous, that's no wonder I keep getting so many greedy people craving for it. But I cannot be allowed to stop displaying my diamond because that would mean restricting it's glory. So as long as I know my diamond is mine, and I will forever not be able to lose it due to the diamond's own security devices, I'll lead a happy life from now on. My diamond has gone places with me. . Through the wreckage found in my house to the comfortable hotel stay in KL. I have been everywhere with my diamond and that's not about to stop now.. I love my diamond and I'll keep displaying it. Even if it means inviting greed from other people, but that's ok I guess.. My diamond knows what she is doing that's most important. Diamond I love you, You're my everything. I'm just a jealous owner who is afraid to lose you.. I hope you understand. Love you diamond..

Mr think-too-much-but-has-tons-of-love-from-diamond,
Mikeo

Funny Thoughts

2007-07-26T18:30:00.000+08:00

Snooping around the internet for some details of the recent quake in Indonesia.. Saw this link in the browser dragdown box. HAD to open that webby with the link in it. Gah opened the mailbox and read some stuffs which were pretty misleading to my opinion:( I think i better not dwell too much into it.. But what does "hope don't mind me, I not pretty" indicate to you? My girlfriend is really a funny lady :) I love her so much.. but then again, things shouldn't turn out this way.. Oh well back to sleep.. She's gonna be home soon anywayz.. :)

He-Who-Thinks-A-Lot,
Mike

A home I can call my own

2007-07-25T23:29:00.000+08:00

With every passing day, I have been yearning for my own home. Not that my gf's house is not good, not that her parents or family have been giving me pressure. In fact they have been very kind to allow me to stay over for so long. Somehow it does not feel so good to be staying at someone else's house for so long.. I have done it before, the drawbacks were not very good.. The longer you stay with someone, the more you might take each other for granted.. My gf means the world to me.. I'm not ready to give her up for any reason.. She has been my main driving force through my long and hard journey in life.. The past months have been horrible, from losing my status and being called "kid with an attitude", to finally able to getting my parents to get a divorce, I'm surprised and pleasantly please that she is still by my side, giving me all the support I can get.

It's not everyday that you see someone like this come into your life.. We might not be a match made in heaven (figure it out yourself), but one thing is for sure.. She doesn't mind what I look like or how I am in general, I am just too blessed to have found such a lovely lady to come into my life.. For that I truely thank the man up there, for setting this miraculous relationship up between two lost, wandering person..

No doubt time and again, we would have little tiffs (stupid ones that shouldn't even in the first place take place), we still maintain our love for each other a lot.. Sometimes I get upset because I can't see her.. Our shifts being the entire opposite of each others'. Sometimes because she's PMSing she gets pissed. Sometimes because I am stressed about particular stuffs and pull the long face she gets pissed. No matter what, so long as in the end, we do not end up fighting and make things up, the world would be a better place :)

One day I would wanna be able to see her walking down the aisle to my side, receive blessings from her father, and rightfully call her my wife. With all due respect I would love it that way.. Safe from all her suitors haha.. I truely love this woman-to-be.. I'll try my best to give her the very best.. Even if the mechanics in me fails, I'll continue trying.. Because I love this woman-to-be so much.. Baby I love you.. :)

Deliriously-in-love,
Mike

A Whole New Life

2007-07-15T21:41:00.000+08:00

This would probably be my first time posting on a blog after so many years. The last time I had one was when I was with neither of my 2 past girlfriends. I stopped for fear of any part of my life being exposed to them. Not even wrote in diaries either. Best for me to just keep everything to myself instead of having to share anything.

Now times are different. I found the love of my life. For me she is the love of my life, I think for her it is as well. I have suffered so many years with my ex-es to know what true love is. Now true love stands by my side. And I will never have to suffer again. I hope we will be together forever. And I hope I will never have to go through heartbreak again. I love her for many times to come and I'll never leave her for anyone else. This I promise her :)

Well actually it's been 110 days since we have been together. Make it 143 days since she sent me home on a drunk note. And almost 200days ever since I did my first flight with her. SQ297 Christchurch. Who knows one day we'll make it there together, as husband and wife. I don't intend to let her suffer, not to suffer like how my mum has. She will have it so much better than my mummy.. I love this girl

Michael Liao