你不是真正的快樂 You’re Not Truly Happy

人群中哭著　妳只想變成透明的顏色
妳再也不會夢或痛或心痛了　
妳已經決定了　妳已經決定了

你靜靜忍著　緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶愈是甜就是愈傷人　
愈是在手心留下密密麻麻深深淺淺的刀割

你不是真正的快樂　你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了　也決定不愛了　
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這世界笑了　於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則不是妳的選擇　
於是妳含著眼淚飄飄盪蕩跌跌撞撞的走著

你不是真正的快樂　你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了　也決定不愛了　
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂　你的傷口不肯完全的癒合
我站在妳左側卻像隔著銀河　
難道緊緊的抱著遺憾一直到老了　然後再後悔著

妳值得真正的快樂　妳應該脫下妳穿的保護色
為什麼失去了　還要被懲罰呢　
能不能就讓悲傷全部結束在此刻　重新開始活著

Amazingly, I feel so much for this song. I had given up on Mandarin Songs at a point of time because they were so meaningless. Mayday never fails to deliver. This totally depicts my feelings. If someone were to sing this to me I think I will ask her to marry me. But only if she means it.

Been feeling like crap recently. If things don't happen to work out, I think I will just go back to being a single man. Sometimes life is such, You want the truth because it is honesty you want, but you want lies because the truth hurts. Yes I think I got that right. TRUTH HURTS. Always listen to lies, they are the best way out. With that I sign out, no regrets ever again in my life.

In my last 3-4 days not at work, I have been following this TVB drama serial, Moonlight Resonance. Everything was good up till the final episode, where I felt everything ended too abruptly. Many things were all rushed through during the final episode. As per the chinese title, everyone ended up happily ever after. But to me, I felt an emptiness in me. I felt like I have lost something to do for the next few months. There are many things that I have learnt and will apply to my everyday life.

1) Never be a JOE .

If you are never going to be serious in a relationship, you had best stop being in one because you will end up hurting whoever follows you. So what if someone else
is prettier, lusty and seductive? Years down the road, she'll be wrinkled and
you will see her true colours, how she has treated you and how stupid you have been.
One mistake would lead to unhappiness forever, especially to your descendents.
I take akin to this because I have a father exactly like that and we are suffering because of his selfishness. DO NOT PUT YOUR NEXT GENERATION INTO SUCH MISERY. If you decide to settle down, better be good to your wife/husband. Whatever you do, Heaven is watching. Retribution will come about.

2) Never be a Princess Athena

If you ever love someone, PLEASE love the person wholeheartedly because, everytime you make a mistake, you say you're sorry, it doesn't help. The pain the person has gone through is already set in. Don't be a wishy-washy type and make every one unhappy. Once you love someone, stop thinking about someone else.

3) Never be Salina/Hong/Camie

When it comes to lying, regardless of what circumstance you have to lie, DON'T! Lying is as good as stealing, robbing, killing. There are people out there who lie, but don't join them, because lying only makes your life more miserable. 10 lies to cover up 1 lie, 100 lies will be needed to cover 10 lies. It's a vicious, neverending cycle.

4) Never be Yuan

Never let someone hold your secret as hostage. Be brave and admit your mistakes. If you fall down, there will be a whole bunch of people who knows you who will pick you up.

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4) Be a Yue/Qing/Jia

Believe, and what you believe will come true. Sometimes things do not seem as bad as they are. After a while you will realise with the right attitude, everything will come true. And you will never have to suffer again. Never lose faith.




I guess in this lifetime, there are more things you should NOT do rather than the things you should do. If ever one day I am in distress I will turn to this page and remember all the lessons I have learnt from the show itself. It was a meaningful 40 episodes of Moonlight Resonance. I am happy to have seen it.

I am Lonely but it's ok
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What lonely days, As per my last post. Only when the sun sets, and when the sun rises, do I get to speak to her. Whenever I look for her, she's probably too tired, too busy, too busy with her friends, and everybody else. WEll it is how life should be. Maybe that is what being independent is. I guess I have been too overly dependent on her existence. Tomorrow I will head out into the night life after work. Got to learn to be independent of anyone else. Maybe love is like keeping a kitten. The more you want the kitten to come to you, the more it runs away. Kittens, like to be touched and teased by everyone, but once it is lonely. It will run back to the one it loves. Whether this is true or not, We shall see. I'm tired. Been sick for 2 days, but to avoid her knowing, I kept quiet. Sitting alone in the cold, talking to no one. It makes me more lonely, more devoid of life. I really hope one day, things get better. Well I'll just start with plan 1. Friday night.

Nowhere to turn to, everyday I've been so lonely. You as it deem, is most important to me. I don't know where to vent my frustrations.

Nice timing too, in 2hours, 200days would have passed. Who would have thought, time to pass so fast.

Sometimes I feel like an alarm clock. You stay awake or wake up early, just to wake her up. Then again, you should be called Calming Soul. You stay up late, just to make sure she goes to sleep well. And then you maybe can be called Soul-less Wall. Between Alarm Clock and Calming Soul, you get nothing at all. Sure you get that 1-2 smses here and there. Apart from that, you really have no direction anymore. Nothing at all.

Heartache? You should be Michael. No wait, wake up. Stop being so dreamy. Why hurt yourself so much? Are you not trying enough? Not giving enough? What is the missing ingredient? Or is she the one not willing to try? This you will never know.

Or do what you are doing now, suck it all up. Suck it up till you self-destruct. You know yourself it's coming soon. And I know you can't take it anymore. With what has happened in you family, your work and now what you value most in life - your love-life, the end is near.

"Try or die trying"

Personally, I think I would try dying.

Hopeless,
Mike

For a long time, I have wondered. Michael, what have you accomplished this lifetime?

Gave up your studies, Picked up some bad habits. Nothing fantastic. In fact you're less than average. Why would anyone dare to stake their future in your hands?

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

I have hoped, and prayed. Hoping for a change in the one I love. We end up hurting each other, making life miserable for one another. My love has overwritten whatever hurt she has done to me, maybe because I have nothing to offer and my love is the only thing that keeps me going. I've been feeling so lost.

Stepping into the church today made me say sorry to her. Because of my own unhappiness, I have brought to her untold miseries. She has a happy life now, why should she be bothered?

Will there ever be space in her heart again for me? "I still love you baby" she tells me, her actions saying otherwise. I remember when we were both busy, and whenever we got time, it's the other party we're looking for. The happy times I have when I was busy with everything and every trouble I had at work, and her comforting smses always made me smile and move on with life.

Now nothing could be the same again. I think. Or at least how I feel at this point of time.

I love you Jasmine, if you ever are ready. I'm a call away, begging on both knees for you to return. I love you, can't help if tears start welling up in my eyes.

My family, is in shambles. I don't wish for my own to be this way. IF I am deemed unable by you, I shall not ruin your life. You just gotta say it. Fly all you want my love, because you'll always be my baby. Even though you might not feel it, or read this...

Mike

Like the ocean and the waves, I feel like I'm losing faith, losing heart. Heart turning into stone. No motive no goal, no desire for anything anymore. Life is so empty, so so empty. We are drifting, no long do you require me as you have in the past. Is this what growing up mean? My love is so strong, it has weakened me physically. I am tired. I love her so much. And I don't know if she feels so too. But I don't know... I ever said. it will be the last time I commit to any relationship. I shall honor my word. I love you baby princess jasmine.

I'm lost, really lost. And I don't know how to explain it. 10Jun08. 100days of revenge. I'm lost. Somebody save me.